One thing I love about my little boy is his passion.  When he loves something, he will do anything for it.  His hugs and kisses are the best!  He squeezes me with every ounce of love that he has in his little body.  But with passion comes a similar phenomenon….anger.  Oh, when he is angry, he burns like a thousand fires.  His tantrums are something to see.  He kicks and wrenches his little body here and there, all because of a simple word: no.

I wish I could say he is the only one in our family who feels these kinds of strong emotions, but unfortunately, he is not alone.  I , too, love with a thousand fires and hate with a thousand fires.  You do not want to be in my way when I want something.  Hurt someone I care about?  Oooh!  I will make it my life’s mission to destroy you.  See what I mean, now?  We are a family that feels to the fullest extent.  

There are many good things and bad things that come with these types of feelings.  Obviously, we can be strong personalities when need be.  We are also super exciting and fun to be around.  We really listen to others and can easily pick up on emotions running throughout the room.  But most of all, when we clash with those like us, it can be deadly (let’s imagine me saying this in a Darth Vader voice ha!).

“His tantrums are something to see.  He kicks and wrenches his little body here and there, all because of a simple word: no.”

When my little boy gets angry, believe it or not, sometimes I don’t want to deal with it.  Either I’m already stressed, busy, or simply tired of all of the whining I had gotten already that day, sometimes I just can’t deal.  So I explode back.  This is super not helpful.  First of all, my child is passionate, but he is also sensitive.  These feelings of anger that mommy is throwing out hurt him.  He feels less certain in his environment.  He wonders why mommy is yelling if she loves him.  

When a child is angry, they can oftentimes feel scared.  Emotions are overwhelming, and if they are felt to the max, they are especially scary.  Children don’t understand why they are feeling the way they do, but they also know they need to get those feelings out.  They react, and as much as I would like to say I am understanding, sometimes I react as well.  I don’t always have the time and energy to calm him down and explain the situation.  

Now, I am going to be completely honest here because I feel like mommies need to hear it.  Mommies get angry, too, and that is fine.  We just need to make sure our kiddos are safe.  I say this because I have had many instances where my first thoughts are to stop the crying and the screaming….any way that I can.  

“When a child is angry, they can oftentimes feel scared.  Emotions are overwhelming, and if they are felt to the max, they are especially scary.”

We all love our kids, but can you be honest here with me?  We have all done things in anger that we shouldn’t have.  We have all said things in anger that we shouldn’t have.  We have all thought things (sometimes pretty awful things) that we shouldn’t have.  I want to say this because all moms do this, none of us admit it, and all of us feel alone in shame.  Momma, stop feeling that shame.  We are not meant to be perfect.  God provides us with grace. Lastly, your kids have grace.  They will not remember that one time when you screamed back at them when they were screaming at you.  They will not remember that one time you spanked them out of anger.  They will not remember the time you punished them too harshly.  

But of course, remember, these are one time offenses (or very few occurrences).  We learn from our lessons and move on.  The bigger problems come when these occurrences happen too often.  This is a post very important to me because I struggle with anger on a daily basis.  Sometimes, my anger feels a little too strong to control.  I wanted to share with you some of the ways in which I help control my anger when my kiddo is giving me a hard time.  Maybe my struggle can help yours as well.

Here are a few things to try when your kiddo gets angry.  These are important because they help keep our anger at bay while we are working with our angry kiddo.

Before the anger

Distract your little one.  Do this at the beginning of any fits and catch it early.  If you see his face starting to change to anger when you say that dreaded “no” word, find something else that he likes to do and go with it!  This works wonders with kids under 3 because 1) they don’t understand their emotions or how to control them in a healthy manner yet, and 2) they are easily distracted by bright and shiny things!  

Try to choose something similar to what they are wanting to do.  Teething, for instance, can be a nightmare!  Sometimes your kiddo wants to bite you for no apparent reason.  So, give them something they can bite.  Does your kiddo want to kick?  Have them kick a ball.  Throw?  Give them a ball to toss back and forth.  There are many things that will curb your child’s urges and habits.  You just have to find some way he can do it!

After the anger

When you and your kiddo are past the anger, there are a few things you can do to keep them feeling secure in their environment and help them learn from their mistakes.  Hug, kiss, and talk about what happened, what behavior is expected, and what needs to happen next time.  Your child may not understand these right away, but at least he will understand the process of punishment and know that it involves talking about the incident afterwards.  You’re kiddo will eventually understand when he is old enough what is expected in your household.  This will make your life so much easier in the future!

Here are a few things to do when you and your child are angry.  

• Make sure your kiddo is safe.  Time out in a chair is wonderful for keeping your kid safe and giving you a break.  You both have time to cool down, and you can think about how to further handle the situation.  Recently, I began setting a timer for the amount of time he is to sit in the chair, and I place it in front of him.  He knows when the beeper goes off, he can get up and we talk about what happened.  
• Find a safe place for him to throw himself and fall.  This was a big struggle for me because we live in a smaller apartment.  There aren’t too many places where he can be without becoming distracted or hurting himself.  We tend to sit in the hallway, but if he gets angry enough, he throws his head back and can hit the corner of a doorway.  I choose to sit with him when he gets this angry because it helps him calm down enough to sit by himself.  The goal, when they are young enough, is to teach them what to do when they get into trouble.  My child didn’t know what to do when I first sat him down, so of course, he stood up.  He still has days where he thinks he can get himself up, but these are moments where I’m teaching him what I want him to do for punishment.
• Do calming activities to help both of you maintain your calm.  When your kiddo is young enough, the goal is to get them to stop doing what they are doing, not to punish.  Kids don’t really connect their bad behavior with punishment until they are much older.  Reading a book in a calm corner or listening to calming music can help tantrums when you are just trying to get them to stop what they are doing.
• Talk out ways your kiddo can release their emotions in healthy ways.  Explain to them how to take deep breaths or squeeze their fists together.  Count to 10 with them or explain how physical activity (running, jumping, dancing) can help release their anger.  They may not be able to do these things when they are really small, but again, the goal is to use this time to teach them so they will understand when they are older.
• Have rules about punishment.  Some punishment can get out of control when you think of it in the moment when you are angry.  For instance, spanking can become dangerous very quickly if done out of anger.  Create rules for yourself.  Only spank when you are in control of your anger, never leave marks, and don’t do it because you are angry to release anger.  As an example of a “spanking rule”, only spank if your kiddo walks into the street by himself.  This provides them with an immediate consequence and can sometimes shock them into submission.  Figure out what is right for you and your family.  

Anger is a feeling that can leave you feeling very out of control at times.  The more you plan how to handle the situations that make you angry, the better off you are going to be at handling these situations.  Above all, you want to keep your kid safe and make sure they know you love them.  If you are worried that your behavior in the moment goes against either of these, take your child to a trusted friend or neighbor and take a break.  We all need breaks from our kiddos, and sometimes, they need a break from us, too.  If you are worried that you won’t be able to keep your kid safe and need some extra help, seek mental health services.  There are so many reasons why we behave the way we do, and no one should be ashamed of this!  We all make mistakes, and remember, it’s our responsibility as the parent to know how to handle ourselves, not our kids.  

Please know that there are many ways to deal with your anger while working with your child.  These are the tools I have used in working with my kiddo.  These have helped both of us remain calm in some of the most trying times.  I feel like I am able to teach him about his anger through dealing with mine responsibly.  I am done feeling shame for getting angry.  I am done not knowing who to talk to because I’m afraid of the judgemental looks from others moms.  Be supportive of your kid, yourself, and other moms like you.  And remember that God created you the way he wanted to.  You are not broken.  You do not need to be fixed.  You just need to learn how to work with what you have.

Lord Jesus,

You are so kind and loving.  Thank you for accepting me, anger and all.  Thank

you for protecting my child from my wrath at times.  Please, Lord, help me to

show him love every single day so he won’t doubt for a second when I make a

mistake.  Allow me to demonstrate to him the kind of love like You have for me.  

Keep me aware of my feelings and help me find space to plan before I act.  

Above all, give me grace when I fail.

In Your Loving Name,

Amen