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Christian Parenting & Motherhood, Family

Imperfect: Living In A World Where Your Child Is “Not Enough”

My husband and I couldn’t wait for our little boy. We were so excited to jump into the parenting world. We knew we would be good parents. We knew we would love our kid more than anything, and we have so many great values to share with him. But when he came, life wasn’t easy. Parenting our little one became difficult. Sharing our values with him soon turned into just trying to keep him calm. And the looks we got from many others were that of pity.

The last thing in the world I thought I would see in the eyes of others was pity when I had my first baby. Oh, but we see much more than that. When we come around the bend, it’s almost like others see us and gear up. Some look at us like we created a monster. Some look at us like they wish they could help but don’t know what to do. Many looks are that of judgment. It’s not a long look. Most of the time it is just a flash in their eyes. But I can see it. And it’s difficult knowing that there are parents with babies who appear “normal” that new parents seek out for advice on how to raise their little ones. I just want to scream that I am a good mom with handfuls of advice, too. But I don’t.

So let me tell you about my little one. My little boy is incredible. He is passionate. He is so loving. He is fun and adventurous. He is smart…oh, he is so smart. At about 6 months he started turning his cars over, almost as if to see how they work. To this day he plays with toys in a very focused way, trying to figure them out.

 

 

With all of these incredible strengths, my little boy has anger. A very deep anger which tells him to yell, wrench his body around, and hit whatever is in his way…which is oftentimes me. Oh and of course he does not perform these acts of fury in just the privacy of our home. Oh no, he enjoys waiting until the perfect moment where mommy is halfway in a deep conversation with another. Or we are shopping for something mommy needs today (ingredients for dinner tonight, the baby shower I totally forgot about, etc.).

My boy also cries….a lot. He wears his emotions on his sleeve…and he loves his mommy and daddy. This makes for an interesting drop off at church or any other organization we desire to spend our day/night without baby. He cries for a bit, but he pulls himself together. When he was a baby, he had acid reflux, which wasn’t diagnosed until he was 9 months old. This made for a very long night for my husband and I. We would wake up to our little boy screaming and wrenching in pain. Oftentimes, I would fall apart and my husband would hold both of us, crying and sobbing into his strong shoulders.

I read book after book. Why is he crying when all of the other babies are sleeping through the night? Why is he so emotional? Why are his naps like 45 minutes when all of the other babies are sleeping 2-3 hours? What’s wrong with him? Every day this question would run through my head, and each day I felt less and less like a capable parent.

 

 

I was talking to a friend the other day whose baby is very similar to mine. He is a few months younger, and he has had difficulty sleeping, eating, and expressing his emotions. My friend and I talked about how hard it can be and how much shame we feel as mommies. She expressed how she was done feeling like everything was her fault and being told by others that she was making him this way. I knew it was time to write about my experiences….because I too am done with the world having expectations of our children that don’t need to be there.

So here it goes. If you have a child like those described above, first and foremost, you are not alone. Many parents out there are feeling like bad parents and incapable of raising their child because he/she is different from the norm…whatever that is. But please understand that all children have different personalities, likes and dislikes, opinions, and temperaments. There is nothing you did to cause this. There is nothing you need to do to fix this. Your child is the way he is because God made him that way….on purpose.

I wish I could meet with each and every one of you and show you how your kid is different for a reason. My child is very passionate which makes for some difficult days and some nights, but I also see that he is extremely loving. When he gets older, he is going to fight for the things he wants in life. He is going to fight for love and justice. He is going to let it be known what he wants and he won’t back down. After almost two years I can see why God made him the way he is. And oddly enough, he is a lot like me. His personality is going to inspire people and bring them to God. Why wouldn’t I want to help unfold that? So look at your kids’ “flaws” and try to see the strengths hidden within them.

 

 

One thing I understand about my child’s passion is his inability to control his emotions right now. Under the age of 3, children don’t understand their feelings nor can they control them. When something upsets them, they show it. It is a visual representation of what they are feeling inside. This isn’t because they are manipulative. They just can’t stop from showing all of their emotions. The beauty of it is that you can work with this! But this entails a lot of work on your part, and this is where good parents come into play!

In order to bring out the best in our children, we have to work on the characteristics that bring challenges. When they are angry (passion), we can show them ways to properly dispose of those feelings without hurting those around them. It can be so much easier to just let them throw their fit, hitting and kicking, but limit as much of that as you can. One thing I try to do is place my child in a quiet, stimulation free environment so we can relax and talk. Teach them while they are in the quiet space to breathe deeply or count to 10. This helps to take the focus off of the feelings that are invading their tiny little bodies. Quiet time gives him the ability to calm down and learn to control his emotions himself. It also shows him that we have a procedure for when he throws his fits. We always end it with a talk about what we can do next time.

 

If your child is lacking in some developmental milestones, don’t freak out. Our little boy is extremely smart in some areas. He just blows us away with how much he has learned in the short 2 years that he has been alive! But he is also a little slower at using words. We work with him, but he doesn’t seem very interested in communicating with us. Now of course I have read article after article about why he isn’t speaking yet. Every time we go into the doctors office, I bring it up. Each time, our doctor reminds me that he seems fine, doesn’t seem to have a hearing problem, and will talk when he wants to. This freaks me out, I’m not gonna lie, but he reminds me that by the age of 3 many babies that were behind in some areas developmentally, are now caught up to their counterparts. He explained that between 1 and 3, there are so many differences in levels of cognition in children, and babies just tend to work through each milestone at their own pace. So before you freak out and think your child is mute, talk to your doctor and relax a little.

Even if your child is mute or has been diagnosed with a developmental disorder, breathe. Again, your child was made the way he/she was meant to be. God does not make mistakes. He didn’t send Henry to you and say “Oh crap! I forgot to add that gene!” He sends Henry down saying, “Henry, I have given you a challenge that will help change the world one day.” Now parents, it is our responsibility to encourage that growth in your child. It is our responsibility to make sure they don’t feel less than, but that they feel gifted and treasured. And yes, God has instilled in you the ability to help your child overcome obstacles. Just like you pushed a 7lb bowling ball out of you-know-where, you can do this. You can raise your child to be an incredible human being. And that right there, is when we will get the good looks. When our kid shows up in the newspaper for stopping a bully, we will get looks of thankfulness and envy. When our kid gets married to the sweetest girl, her parents will provide the looks of happiness and relief. And when your kid grows up with a child of his very own and asks you how you did it, he will show you the looks of gratitude and understanding.

 

 

Please remember that your child is worth something very valuable. Don’t let a look make you feel less than as a parent. Don’t try to fix your child for being who he/she really is. It’s rare to find people who haven’t been influenced by this world and are truly themselves! Let’s grow some more of these people! Do whatever you can to show your kid that he is valued, loved, and that you see him as a difference-maker. When I was growing up, my teachers always said I was “too nice.” I’m sorry, but what the heck does that mean? My mother taught me that I had a voice and am valued. And you know what? Being nice has allowed me to have friends, get what I want when others don’t, and stand up for myself without being called bossy…or that other word. I grew up with parents letting me know that I have gifts. And because of those parents, I feel valued and happy.

That’s how we do it, parents. We can’t control the uncontrollable. We are not meant to change our children to adapt to this world. God has allowed us to be the parent of our particular kid so we can raise them up to change the world despite the world. And that is how we parent our kid the right way.

 

 

Lord Jesus,

Give me strength. Give me courage to change my thinking. Give me the skills

I need to encourage my child and to show my child he/she is valued. Let me love

my kid the way you love me: with enduring acceptance and joy. Show me how

to work with his/her challenges, but also the challenges that the world throws at

me and my kid. Help me teach him about love. Thank you for calming the

fear and anguish in my heart. Teach me, Oh Lord. I am Yours.

In Your Loving Name,

Amen

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1 Comment

  • Reply Taylor Greenwald

    I love this! My oldest girl deals with anger, and it is not easy to deal with because of the judgement cast upon us by others. But I trust the plans God has for her. He is good. ??

    August 21, 2017 at 9:09 pm
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