Sometimes marriage gets hard.  For worse does not necessarily mean when we become ill or if we get physically injured.  “Worse” can be different for all marriages.  Sometimes, infidelity can be the “worse” a couple is working through.  Sometimes, it’s becoming a parent for the first time.  Sometimes, it can be little lies adding up to create major trust issues.  

Marriage is difficult especially when selfishness sneaks in.  We all have selfish tendencies in marriage.  We have times when we want to do our own thing.  Or maybe it’s remaining independent when our partner wants to be dependent on us and with us.  Sometimes marriage is just hard.  It’s hard to compromise and hard to trust.  Hard to be all in and hard to give up what we want for another.  Our pride sneaks in, and it gets harder and harder to say I’m sorry.  These are the times when “worse” comes in.  These are also times when the devil sneaks in to see how far he can split the two of you.  

But marriage is worth fighting for.  It is worth working on to find someone you can go through life with who loves you and will stand by you through anything.  It is worth it to keep someone who will work on your marriage with you and for you when you have given up.

So here are a few tips on making it through these difficult times.

Rest and pray

Arguing and fighting can be exhausting.  It can physically deplete you.  If you are anything like me, you become grouchy at night, so you pick a fight, and then you can’t go to bed until the argument is solved.  Sometimes, you need the break.  Our passions flare up and our minds can’t think rationally.  Do you ever find yourself saying things you would never say if you weren’t tired or even saying things that don’t make sense?  It’s because your brain is trying to tell you to stop, rest, and think about the situation calmly tomorrow.  

This is all fine and dandy, but again, if you are like me, you feel uncertain and uneasy when going to bed without “fixing” things.  This is where we pray.  Pray as a couple or pray a part, but pray.  Keep the devil out of your marriage by placing God smack dab in the center.  Praying allows God to get involved and work in both of your hearts.  It also heals those uncertain and uneasy feelings because you know God has it.  

Find answers in the Bible

I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I fought, and the next day, while reading a chapter in the Bible, I find an answer to our problems.  Now, of course, these are not necessarily specific answers, but they help heal my heart nonetheless.  It may be a simple scripture describing God’s intention for marriage or a Psalm from David expressing His love for God and reminding me of my love for my husband.  I believe God is waiting for us to crack open the Bible and use His word to show us where to go.  

My husband and I were fighting about a small lie he told me.  I felt like trust was betrayed.  The next morning I read about trusting in God.  It was helpful to me because He was saying He’s got it.  He lead you to your partner.  He doesn’t expect you to judge them for their wrongdoings.  That’s His job.  It’s our job to pray for support in our marriage and strength for our spouse.  Easier said than done, of course!  But the point is to open the Bible, and find your answers in there.  You might be surprised in what He leads you to read.

God is the only one who can complete you

I wish I had really lived by this when I was single.  Like many young women out there, I have daddy issues.  Of course those daddy issues have long been issues, but I continue to blame them for my behavior.  I used to put men on a pedestal.  I attempted to change myself into what they wanted me to be.  Even after I knew what I was doing and vowed to never change myself again, I continued in my ways.  

Since growing in my faith and meeting a man who has supported my true identity, I have let some of that go.  But every once in awhile I still place my husband on a pedestal and put all of my focus on him.  Then, when he messes up, it is the end of the world.  I will lose everything! I think.  This tends to make me desperate and turns arguments into giant blow ups solely because I am afraid of losing my everything.

But God doesn’t want this for us!  People were never made to sustain us.  God can fill us up, and He is the only one.  People will always fail to live up to our standards.  People will always let us down if we use them to fill us up.  The Bible says in Mark 10:8 “and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”  This scripture doesn’t mean that we use our partner to create that one flesh.  It means that both people are two wholes that come together to compliment one another, not to complete one another.  “You complete me” is romantic and all but will not lead to a successful marriage.

Take some space

Sometimes I need to get away from the situation to see it clearly.  When I argue with my husband, my pride sneaks in, and I can’t seem to find the solution I’m wanting anymore.  It’s almost like my judgement is clouded, and the argument’s focus turns to me being right.  Well, let me be the first to say, that right or wrong, I never win.  I’m not really sure what the point of thinking this way is.  Why am I fighting so hard to be right?  What does that give me?  

So after awhile of circling around the issue again and again, I realize I need a breather.  Whether it be a few minutes of silence to gather my thoughts and redirect me to a solution, or if that breather is letting the conversation go for the night, I need space to think.  Nasty things have been said when I don’t give myself space.  I can’t support my husband without space.  I tend to attack him and can’t find my way back to the original point of the argument.  Luckily, my husband takes time to process.  This has saved us many a fight just because the silence allows my brain time to process, too.  Try it!  Space can help keep disagreements and discussion from turning into giant fights.

Talk to others for another perspective

During our last argument, my husband actually brought up this idea.  We go to many of our godly friends for advice about relationships and careers, but we haven’t gone to any of them for marriage advice.  This is especially helpful when you have a problem that persists and arguments that keep coming back to one larger issue.  Talk to godly friends and leaders.  They can help guide you to a new perspective and help you view the situation from your partner’s viewpoint.  

The idea here is to not tear down your husband in front of another but to truly find a new solution to your issues.  Sometimes, it gets especially difficult during fights to support your partner, but remember, you are trying to repair the broken.  The point of healthy communication is to work together not separately.  Your goal is not to “win” but to find a solution that both of you can work with.  If bringing in an outside source can help that, why wouldn’t you try it?

Date night

Date nights!  I love date nights!  If there is one piece of advice I could give you to help your marriage it would be to schedule a date night with your hubby every week!  Even if it is just dinner and a movie at home, it is still a date!  As a parent it can be really difficult.  It can be hard to find a sitter or to even accept that you need a night out because it is important in maintaining a healthy marriage.  If you can’t find time alone, bring your kids.  Family night is still better than nothing!

Date night has helped build our marriage up even when everything is good.  This is imperative because you need to build up your storehouse of fun and romantic times!  There are going to be so many moments when little annoyances and bickering matches tear you down.  You need to make sure that you have so many good times that no matter what happens, you can remember those times in the midst of the really tough ones.

Date night is also really important after fights.  They help build you back up.  They enhance your ability to communicate about life, stresses, and family goals.  Plus, it is a time when you can have fun together and solely focus on dating again.  Get dressed up and go out!  I promise you will get those same butterflies you used to get when you first started to date your spouse.  Enjoy it!  This is a perk of marriage!

Communicating after fights

Communicating after fights can be tricky, but when both of you are calm, this can really enhance your understanding of each other’s needs.  Take turns in expressing your feelings, good and bad.  Tell your husband what you need from him and truly listen to what he is needing from you.  This is also great practice for disagreements.  Bad communication is a giant trigger for many couples’ fights.  If you communicate better, it is likely you will keep from getting into those big blowouts that break your marriage a part.  Talk to each other about giving respect to each other during fights.  Provide your spouse with ideas for when you are fighting to help you calm down.  This is a huge practice in our relationship and it really helps.  When I goof up, I know how to bring it to my husband’s attention without the conversation getting out of control because he told me how to handle him.  My husband knows that sometimes it takes a lot of “I’m sorry’s” before I really hear it when I’m angry after he has goofed up.  Tell your husband how to handle you when you become overly angry.  Help each other out.  Support each other in your marriage.

Here are a few fun ideas to help build your marriage back up after a fight,

1. Reread your vows together
2. Remind each other of what you love about the other
3. Hold hands
4. Make out
5. Sex!  Woohoo!
6. Talk about goals for your marriage
7. Discuss your fears about your family and your life
8. Stay up late and watch a movie together
9. Make dinner together
10. Talk about the old times and how you first fell in love

Give support to your spouse.  One of the most incredible things my hubby and I did was take divorce off the table.  It changes your mindset about your marriage.  Don’t threaten divorce or separating from one another.  Ask yourselves how this would change your marriage?  How would you react to one another in an argument if you couldn’t divorce?  How would you treat your marriage if you chose to never leave one another?  

Most of all, find ways to support your marriage however your husband and you need.  Use this article to open your mind to ideas you haven’t thought of in building up your marriage.  Marriages take work….a lot of work.  They are worth it if you both put in the effort.  Keep in mind that sometimes one of you may have to put in more work when the other is weak.  Support and respect your spouse and tell them how to show you the same.  Lastly, have fun with your partner.  God introduced you for a reason!