You may have heard of this story in the news.  It made headlines across the world.  A pregnant pastor’s wife murdered in their home.  To many, it was just a sad story.  To our church, it tore a hole in our hearts that we weren’t sure if we could recover from.  Resonate Church was a newer church at the time.  My husband and I started going to Resonate when there were about 10 people in the audience….and that was on a good day!  We were excited to be a part of a church that was just starting out.  Davey was a young, bold, and hilarious pastor.  

Amanda and Davey were a couple everyone in our church aspired to be.  Amanda was the woman to be.  Her heart was just like Jesus’.  Every single person she met, she changed their life.  I felt myself wanting to grow in my relationship with Jesus because her relationship with Him was so strong.  When she became a mom, we were all so happy for her.  She would be great!  And she was.  But I don’t want this post to be about her death.  I want it to be about her life.

My son was born exactly a year after hers.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I had so many questions and fears.  Amanda was this well of knowledge!  Let me tell you a little of what she taught me.

Give support to other mommies

A few days after my little boy was born, Amanda texted me.  She wanted to bring us food!  Every few weeks I would get a text from her encouraging me in motherhood.  She didn’t know what kind of mother I was, but she would send me texts about how great of a mom I am.  In church, we would chat about our babies and she would always say how proud she was of me for doing this or doing that.  I told her a week before she died that I was going back to work.  What did she say to be going to work and leaving my baby?  “Wow, that’s awesome!  I’m so proud of you!”  And I know I was not the only mommy she supported.  What would life be like for us mommies if we all supported each other.  If we just shot each other a text once in a while.

Have sex with your man!

So this is a funny one, but it needs to be said!  Right after you have a baby, this is the absolute last thing you want to do.  You hurt.  You feel ugly, hormonal, and fat.  You are exhausted from the late nights and early mornings.  I don’t care how sexy your man is, you don’t tend to want to touch him after you have a baby!  So I asked her for advice!  Her advice to me was actually stolen from another pastors wife who has 7 kids!  Amanda said “I didn’t want to have sex at first, either.  But [pastors wife] recommended we talk about it and have sex for 30 days in a row.  No breaks.  There are going to be times during that 30 days where you don’t feel like it, but keep doing it.  Eventually you will get back into your groove.  And we really have.  We almost have a better sex life now!”  So did I take this advice?  No, BUT…we started our normal routine again.  I kept in mind that sex isn’t just for me.  Sometimes, it’s not even about the physical pleasure.  Sometimes, you just need to reconnect with your husband, and being physical definitely helps that!

Relax!  Let your baby be free!

So because I have only had one child thus far, I am uber protective…..like very, very protective.  I always know where he is.  I keep track of him and keep close to him when we are in public.  But Amanda always let their boy run free in church.  He went where he wanted when he wanted.  Now, granted, our church is a little more popular now, but still, when she trusted the people around her, she let him go explore.  I still struggle doing this.  But when I let my little boy explore, his face lights up.  Yes he may try some things that he shouldn’t.  But most of the time he does what I would expect and what I feel comfortable with.  I practiced this method the other day at an indoor playground.  I let him go in the playground and down the slides alone.  It was hard, but his face just lit up.  I found so much pleasure in watching that booger realize he can do things on his own.  And I’m less tired from following him around all day!

You don’t have to be perfect!

Amanda always looked perfect and acted perfect, but she was very clear when you spoke to her about her life.  She had her own struggles.  She didn’t know how to do some things.  She found solace in talking to other moms around her.  She was very open with her “failings” as a mom.  This type of honesty is what the world of mommyhood needs!  Because none of us are perfect and we will all come across times where we need help, we need to be upfront with our struggles.  We also need to let new mommies know what they may face.  How awful would it be to be a new mom and because no one talks about their struggles, you feel you have to meet a standard of perfection.  Trying to be perfect and deal with all of the struggles and fears would be terrible to do alone.  Let’s change the way motherhood is viewed.  We don’t have to complain all of the time nor do we have to shoot for perfection.  We just have to be honest about being a group of women trying the best we can to make a difference in our child’s world.

Express to others how hard it can be! Be honest…

When we found out we were pregnant, Davey and Amanda congratulated us….but they also let us know what’s up.  I remember talking to my husband after our visit with them saying “Wow, I’m a little nervous now.  I wasn’t expecting that.  I thought they would just be happy for us.”  Well, they were, but they also weren’t going to tell us it is the easiest thing since sliced bread (not even sure what that means but anywho…).  They were honest about what we were going to face.  This helped to accomplish two things in our lives.  1)  It wasn’t gonna be easy, so we got prepared.  I feel like because of their warnings and advice including how it had been hard on them, we were just a little bit more prepared.  2)  We weren’t alone in our struggles.  If our pastor and his wife had difficulty, then everyone must struggle.  This was a blessing for us!

Laugh about the crazy parts of mommyhood

Amanda was hilarious.  She is probably cracking Jesus up right now.  She was an honest person, and man, some of that honesty was very funny.  She would tell us stories of her little boys triumphs and tragedies.  One of the funniest moments with her was talking about how stinky her one year old’s poop could be.  “Oh my gosh guys!  I have to put it in the garage it’s so smelly!”  This made for some very fun mommy moments.  Getting together and sharing the good, the bad, and the smelly are the best moments!  Don’t forget to cherish these times with your mommy friends.  Everything doesn’t have to be scary and challenging.  You can have laugh out loud moments, too!

Don’t let your kids run your life but love them

Amanda loved her little boy with a fierce passion, but that didn’t mean she didn’t push him to be what he could be.  She challenged him to crawl, take his first steps, and catch a ball.  That boy could catch a ball by like 8 months.  She didn’t cater to his every need.  She didn’t have a sitter ready for when she needed to go grocery shopping.  She brought him everywhere with her.  Every church event, every get together, he was there.  I feel like this is because she knew the value in getting him involved in her life and helping him understand the world through what she was doing.  And honestly, what better person to learn from than Amanda.  I felt like she understood that he was learning the world through her eyes.  So why not take your little one everywhere with you, teaching them the ways of the world.

Be grateful for every second

When Amanda passed, I had a unique view of being a mother.  Because our boys were born on the same day, I felt the loss when the year anniversary of her death came around.  The year date that she was taken to the hospital was especially hard.  I knew every second that I had with my little man she didn’t have with hers.  Every song I sang to my kid was an extra song that she couldn’t sing to hers.  It hurt me to think that her boy had such limited time with such an amazing mommy.  I understand that my time with my little boy is giving him more time with me.  What kind of mommy do I want to be in those moments?  I want so badly for him to always experience me as a kind, loving, fun, and hilarious mommy.  I try to keep this lesson with me because I know any day could be our last with each other.  I’m not prepared for that, but I want to leave him parts of me and moments with him nonetheless.

Take tons of pictures!

This girl was the picture queen.  She is actually the reason my hubby and I broke down and bought smartphones.  Smartphones go everywhere with you and they take great pictures.  After Amanda’s death, we had to put so many of her pictures into a slideshow.  This got me thinking about how my life with my family is recorded.  What would I have if I passed?  When my little man gets older, will we have many pictures to remember him by?  Now we do, and though he is still young, it is still so fun to go through our pictures when he was first born.  I feel like pictures don’t just provide an image.  They provide a feeling.  They allow us to remember the story of what happened then and there.  They help us get back in touch with the same feelings we were feeling at the time.  Pictures can make you laugh or cry.  Isn’t that the best tangible object you can have of your life?  A life record of moments that evoke those same emotions like they happened yesterday.

Talk to your husband!  Tell him how hard things are, and act as a unit.

Davey and Amanda have always been open about their marriage.  Davey preaches about their conversations, Amanda’s hopes and fears, and their “discussions.”  I put that in quotes because my hubby and I strive to have “discussions” instead of fights.  One day we will get there .. ha!  But the one thing I learned from them is that they were open with each other about their personal struggles.  They talked about where they were and where they wanted to go in life.  They had goals for their family.  The piece of the mommyhood puzzle that often seems to be missing is a feeling of unity with and support from hubby.  Husband and wife need to work as a team rather than individuals working towards their own goals and desires.  But this takes communications, openness, and support for each other.  It also takes consistent communication about where the family is going and where each person’s role fits into those goals.  Davey and Amanda used to have quarterly sitdowns regarding family goals and plans for the upcoming quarter.  It takes dedication and a desire to be in unison.  Where there is unison, there is no diversity.  Get on the same page with your husband.  Be open, listen, and come to a consensus of where you want your family to go.  This will not only help your family life, but it will help set expectations in the marriage, allow you to better support each other, and enhance communication!  So start planning!

Understand your influence….

Amanda seemed to understand her influence on the world.  Or maybe she understood that no matter what, others could be watching her actions.  She was always elegant and poised.  She spoke of God regularly to everyone around her in a familiar way.  Her hugs were so full of acceptance and love.  She understood the influence she had on her son as well.  Sometimes as parents we get so tied up in just trying to survive that sometimes we forget that they are watching us.  They are looking to us to see how to behave.  They look to see what we like, so that they can like it.  They notice your beliefs and your words.  They understand if you tell the truth or if you lie.  Kids sense so much more than we know, and they pick up what we put out.  Amanda let everything she did point to Jesus.  And I fully believe because she was who she was, her son will grow to love God just like she did.  What are you putting out and what are they taking in?

Though I will forever miss her smile and her friendship, I am forever thankful I had this time with her.  She taught me many things, and maybe some of these things can help you.